I think I’ve struggled with some sort of depression for most of my life. That seems to be the nature of the human experience, I suppose. But for the last few months, I haven’t really had the energy or impetus to do much more than get by.
There are a number of contributing factors. It’s been sort of a collusion of things, both in the world around me and the world within. After years of attempting outlandish feats in the hopes of making the world a better place, each time falling far short of my misbegotten goals, the culmination of my various failures and the seemingly disastrous results in the world around me, hope has been in short supply as of late. While I’ve gotten used to failure in life due to my try-anything attitude, the last few years have been a little more challenging as they’ve involved people actually depending on me and not just me floating around in my own little bubble of delusion.
Feeling as if my bubble has burst, it seems as if the last year or so has consisted of a lot of me licking my wounds and feeling sorry for myself. Now that I’ve been working largely from home, I’ve largely cut myself off from engaging with my community and most of my social contact is done through the filter of Facebook, which seems to only contribute to my anxiety and malaise. In large part, I’ve allowed myself to be overcome with apathy, embraced my addictions, and enshrouded myself in shame.
There’s a really good chance that I’m just crazy. At the very least, I know I’ve entertained a good amount of insanity in my life. Based on my understanding of the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Illnesses-IV from my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, 5 years working in crisis stabilization and behavioral health, and the last 46 years living in modern America, a good bit of it with access to a vast wealth of its artistic and technological advancements, I would probably have to self diagnose as a moderately bipolar, clinically depressed megalomaniac, presenting symptoms of attention deficit hyperactiviy disorder (minus the hyperactivity) and self medicating with nicotine, alcohol, and marijuana to cope with a complex religio/sexual fixation and an aggressive anti-authoritarian complex.
Some would just say that I’m lazy and entitled. Nevertheless, I still have managed to put together a really entertaining and inspiring show called The Cowboy Cabaret, and I feel that I am finally nearing the end of the seventh draft of my book Money, Sex, Power & Faith, all while still sustaining myself in a relatively normal life. So I’m trying to get back in the saddle, get over myself, and move once again toward the life I’ve imagined.
Personally, I don’t think that the prescription I’ve prepared, nor the regimen of diet and exercise I’ve been following, have been as effective as they could have been over these last several years of trying to make my way in the world. But I’ve found it to be a pretty common scenario as I’ve wandered my way through country, much of it on the edge of poverty, and if nothing else, I feel that what I have to share might be therapeutic for a lot of other people that share my symptoms and ailments, while also helping me get the therapy I need and perhaps a healthier lifestyle for all of us.
A week shy of entering my 47th year, I feel that it’s time to make a new start and dig myself out of the hole I’ve been mired in. Thank you in advance for your encouragement.